because.

alright. 

you can take everything from me. my well being included.

but you take my best friend from me? alejandro. 

you already took alexa, i mean. wasn’t that enough for you? you just don’t even SEE it, do you? or, do you know exactly what you’re doing? getting some sick sense of revenge for me not loving you. 

fuck you. 

brooke’s coming back. 

since i have nothing left to live for, i guess i will just put everything in her. 

and if that falls through..

well.

like i said.

nothing left to live for.

why can’t i be happy? 

there always has to be something. 

someone.

as soon as i see her, my feelings for you go plummeting. because i know she wants to be with you. it makes me sick to my stomach. 

my fault, though. 

i couldn’t be myself with her in the first place when you told me to move on, and dated him. 

and now you’ve involved yourself with her.

like ryan.

different, this time, though. 

worse.

so i’ll just sit back and slowly die. 

fuck everyone. 

i’m with someone that i feel nothing for. 

i’m with someone that i’m unsure of. 

and you are nowhere. 

you don’t look at me.

you don’t talk to me. 

it was my fault for ever trying for you, when i knew that you didn’t want anything. you were just so different. so refreshing.

i looked at you and felt something that i have NEVER felt before. this..yearning to make things better for you. all i ever thought about was ways that i could make you smile. when we were in the same room, even if i wouldn’t so much as glance at you, you were the ONLY thing on my mind. every move i made, i made for you. 

now i’m out of your life, and you don’t care. 

and it makes me want to puke. 

because you were with her. 

she was with you. 

what the fuck is even going on anymore? i waver between hating you, and missing you.

maybe it’s just both, all the time. 

you make me want to hit things. 

i wonder if you even know that i’m talking about you. 

you probably will..never read this. i just had to get it out. because every day, it gets worse. you have no idea how many times i’ve broken down in the middle of school because of you. 

if i could go back in time, and try to change things, would i have ever had a chance? 

you’re gonna miss me, also known as “cups”

this song..has consumed the past 3 hours of my life. my hands are throbbing, and red. 

but i can preform it. 

flawlessly. 

it sounds heavenly. 

(also, i broke a cup in frustration in this process. oops.)

i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing.

she is absolutely perfect, and i can so EASILY DATE HER AND BE HAPPY. 

but i’m not dating her. because i’m not happy. why can’t i just have feelings for her? why can’t i just fucking move on? you hurt me more than you have ever helped me, and even you are moving on with your feelings. i’m just fucking stuck here and it sucks. i miss you. and it fucking ngfjdkrnhejwrbjkgrsbjker blows. i miss adventures. and jillian and dustin. i miss happy. 

but that is at war with how angry i always am with you, and that anger is growing like wildfire. 

i mean, the comment that i keep hearing from everyone that you’ve spread. just fuck. how could you? that is just..fucking cruel. 

and out of fucking everyone you want to taunt me with, you choose alexa? just like when you went after ryan. when you started slowly taking alejandro from me. what the hell? that’s not fucking love, that is just twisted. 

you’re..sick. 

i fucking love you, and i hate it. 

i hate you. 

fuck me jesus christ all i need is alejandro in my life. 

fuck you. bitch.

and my hatred for you burns like fuck all over again.

i was stupid to like you. stupid.
fuck.

i get to go see tamra c’:

i’m staying until Saturday night, i believe. i’m so excited.

she was the first person i truly loved. she means the world to me.

i’m so fucking thankful that she only lives three hours away, and i get opportunities like this to see her. 

yes.

i can not handle this time alone with myself. 

breaks are the worst. the absolute worst. no school. nothing to keep me occupied. 

just me. 

and thoughts. 

people making me hurt. 

my best friend told me that i need to just stop with feelings for a while, as if i am capable of doing so. 

all that i feel is the need to cry. my face being hot, my heart racing, and the need to cry.